At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
