I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
