I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
smell my finger.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
