I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
