I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
