Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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