I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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