Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
