toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
