Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And then my night got REAL pukey
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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