She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
