You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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