My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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