Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
