JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
