I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
