hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Redeem this text for a blowjob
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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