I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
time to smoke my breakfast
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
