she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
