just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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