I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Randomize
