Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
