a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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