Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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