So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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