and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
