do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
