that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
