he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
