I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
