Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
