I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
