is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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