i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
