I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
