it's too hot outside to masturbate.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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