hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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