This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Found the puke drawer
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
