apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
