Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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