The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
