I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
whose ass print is on the piano?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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