What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
