there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
