4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i would punch a child for taco bell
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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