what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
