What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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