Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
