we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
