Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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