I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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